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All Creeped Out

As a white woman, there are certain inherent truths that define me. My innate love for dogs, my co-dependency on NyQuil and my low tolerance for all things creepy. The following reflects my short list of everything that kinda makes me throw up all over my stiletto heels.

Men Who Wear Clogs. Please, women can barely pull off these throwbacks from the seventies. Gentlemen, unless you are standing next to a windmill, do not wear clogs. If you are sporting clogs, I will never have sex with you. They are clogblockers. Crocs are no better. Crocs are simply deformed, plastic clogs that have been caught in a horrible drive-by shooting.

Grown Women Who Call Their Husbands Daddy. Ladies, perhaps you are confused in your middle-age. He’s your spouse, your life partner or your soul mate. He’s not your father ‘cuz that would be ultra-creepy and illegal. Why are you calling him Daddy? Did he teach you to ride a bike? Stop it! The only women allowed to call their husbands Daddy are southern belles and Soon-Yi Previn.

The Current Febreze Ad Campaign. Have you seen the hidden camera commercials for Febreze where they blindfold young, innocent women and usher them into what appears to be a flop house, a crack den or a meth lab? They encourage these poor victims to drink in the vanilla goodness of the newly-Febrezed fabrics so these unfortunate souls stick their faces into some raggedy-ass pillow whilst sitting on a gnarly couch where a hypodermic needle has most certainly taken up residence. I keep fearing these people will catch scabies, ringworm or Chlamydia by rolling around in the filth. These ads are beyond creepy; usually a mangy cat missing an ear strolls past the lens while the fat guy from Saw III throws up in the corner. The only thing missing is a rape mattress. I thought I was watching a particularly grim episode of Criminal Minds. How comforting to know that Febreze can successfully remove those pesky urine and dead hooker smells.

Finally, Present Day Sexual Terms. What the hell are all these new, ridiculous sexual manoeuvres that keep showing up in the Urban Dictionary? Are you kidding me with the Dirty Sanchez, the Jamaican Mudslide and the Donkey Punch? Is anyone actually performing these acts or are the crazy kids just making this shit up for giggles? How much can you possibly do in the boudoir? I maintain you can make anything sound filthy by simply putting the words “pink” or “rusty” in front of any plant or food item. For example: “Wanna do the Pink Ficus?” “You know the Rusty Dragon Roll is super sexy.” I’m waiting for someone to suggest The Supertramp. That’s where you bang a dirty hobo who is dressed like a Civil War re-enactor. Makes a white girl long for the classics like doggy-style.

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