Visually, capes are a bold but tough fashion choice to pull off at the best of times. Even Superman’s get up is a tad gay what with the tights, cape and crest but at least he can fly, leap over tall buildings and see through shit. Vampires don’t even have a cool super power. If you think about it, all a vampire can do is give you a bad hickey and turn into a bat. A bat?! A flying, screeching mouse. Why would any woman want a boyfriend who morphs into something that fucks up her hair? Bats are like the douches of the animal kingdom. Plus, it’s so easy to defeat a vampire. They are vulnerable to sunlight, garlic, crucifixes and wooden stakes. Zebediah, the Amish farmer would have the tools to easily kick a vampires’ ass. Again, Superman had an Achilles’ heel too but kryptonite is really hard to find, especially in the current economy.

I don’t get it; I thought Tom Cruise officially killed the vampire trend with his portrayal of Anne Rice’s Lestat. Now between the Twighlight frenzy, HBO’s popular True Blood and the record sales of Count Chocula, vampires are bigger and trendier than ever. Vampires are the new black and women are on them like R. Kelly on a babysitter. Once Johnny Depp stars in the movie adaptation of the 70’s camp vampire show Dark Shadows resistance will be futile.

I just don’t understand how vampires became the heartthrobs of the ghoul kingdom to begin with. Why are they the sexy matinee idols of the monster world? What about werewolves? I get that no one likes a hairy back but werewolves are a hell of a lot more masculine than pasty vampires. Why aren’t the women all about mummiecarlacollins04.jpgs? Mummies are royalty and are buried with tons of money and look like they always just came out of a radical plastic surgery. You would think that at the very least, mummies would appeal to the cougars. Why isn’t Frankenstein the sex symbol of scary movies? He’s the tall, strong, silent type and a good Jewish boy. Plus, if he was built in proportion than you can bet that ‘stein is hung like, well, a monster.

I blame tween girls. Since the beginning of time tween girls have developed hardcore crushes on non-threatening, androgynous males. The examples are endless from David Cassidy to Luke Skywalker to Clay Aiken. I mean just look at the Jonas Brothers. How are these boys teen idols? It makes no sense. They all have horrible ‘fros and unibrows and they dress like British dandies. I’m worried about the credit crisis and the energy crisis but I believe nothing is more of a threat to this planet than tween girls and their influence on pop culture.

So can you tell me why woman are completely seduced by vampires? How are they the ideal dream men? I’m sorry but a dude who stays out all night, sleeps all day and turns into a nasty rodent when he’s angry reminds me too much of my father. But that’s a whole other subject I don’t understand.