Don’t want to say my finances are a mess but I just found out there’s a child in Africa sponsoring me.
My life coach just benched me.
Trantric sex sounds a lot like a Canadian awards show. It goes on forever and nobody comes.
The Vagina Monologues goes on way too long. They should just do The Vagina Tweets.
I try to live every week of my life like it’s Shark Week.
Some days I think my soul is wearing mom jeans.
I’m very white. You shouldn’t wear me after Labor Day.
I believe in reincarnation. Next time I’m coming back as one of Adam Levine’s tattoos.
Should I have my next nervous breakdown catered or just hire a deejay like last time?
This year I’m following the Kardashian calendar. More tragic than the Mayan but Black Friday is a helluvalot more fun.
If I had a butler I would name him Cavendish. He would just buttle all day long.
Most of the time I’m shaking like a Chihuahua on meth after a couple dozen 5 Hour Energy Drinks.
If I wasn’t straight, I’m not sure if I would be a lipstick lesbian but I would definitely be a gloss.
I think NyQuil removes the gene that causes one to give a sh*t.
I’m very spiritual. I just had my chakras lubed and my breasts Feng Shuied.
You can’t Roofie me. NATO has declared my lady bits a “No Spanish Fly Zone”.
I’m between husbands right now. I’m married; I’m just in between the first and the third.
My mom is my best feature, unless I’m pissed off with her, then I have to go with my eyes.
Sometimes I’m a hotter mess than a Taco Bell entrée.
I was Valedictorian, prom queen and student council president. Of course I was home-schooled.
I wish I was Spanish. I’m a total Juannabe.
I like dogs better than
people. Sure you have to
clean up after them but
they’ll never crap all over
I’ve disappointed more
men than Rogaine
Don’t know whether I want
to have a kid or date one
Just took on my Hebrew
drag queen name, I’m
now Yum Yum Kippur
I’m a Kabbalist but I just
sent my red string out to
I like dirty talk
but must stop screaming out:
“Do my roots!” in bed
White women can combine
Xanax and Pinot Grigio better
than a commercial airline pilot.
It’s called a Xan-hatten
Welcome to Toronto:
SARS-free since 2003,
smoke-free since 2006 and
Stanley Cup-free since 1967
It’s always 1986 on my head