Quotes (tweet it bitches!)

Don’t want to say my finances are a mess but I just found out there’s a child in Africa sponsoring me.

I just peed in the fantasy football pool.

My life coach just benched me.

Trantric sex sounds a lot like a Canadian awards show. It goes on forever and nobody comes.

Whenever a dude goes on about all the chicks he’s banged, I know the only time he’s heard his name yelled out is at a Starbucks.

The Vagina Monologues goes on way too long. They should just do The Vagina Tweets.

I try to live every week of my life like it’s Shark Week.

Some days I think my soul is wearing mom jeans.

I’m very white. You shouldn’t wear me after Labor Day.

I can’t put down “50 Shades of Grey Goose”.

I believe in reincarnation. Next time I’m coming back as one of Adam Levine’s tattoos.

Should I have my next nervous breakdown catered or just hire a deejay like last time?

This year I’m following the Kardashian calendar. More tragic than the Mayan but Black Friday is a helluvalot more fun.

I just got a tattoo of the actor who played Tattoo. I’m so meta.

If I had a butler I would name him Cavendish. He would just buttle all day long.

Most of the time I’m shaking like a Chihuahua on meth after a couple dozen 5 Hour Energy Drinks.

If I wasn’t straight, I’m not sure if I would be a lipstick lesbian but I would definitely be a gloss.

I think NyQuil removes the gene that causes one to give a sh*t.

I fake not having an orgasm.

I call my breasts “Tom” and “Katie” cuz they’re not for real either.

I’m very spiritual. I just had my chakras lubed and my breasts Feng Shuied.

You can’t Roofie me. NATO has declared my lady bits a “No Spanish Fly Zone”.

To me, tantric sex sounds a lot like a Canadian awards show; it goes on forever and nobody comes.

Morgan Freeman narrates everything. I think he narrated my sex tape.

I’m between husbands right now. I’m married; I’m just in between the first and the third.

My mom is my best feature, unless I’m pissed off with her, then I have to go with my eyes.

Sometimes I’m a hotter mess than a Taco Bell entrée.

I was Valedictorian, prom queen and student council president. Of course I was home-schooled.

I wish I was Spanish. I’m a total Juannabe.

Just met Gary Busey; it was a near meth experience.

I like dogs better than
people. Sure you have to
clean up after them but
they’ll never crap all over
your dreams

Namaste Bitches!

I’m very spiritual, I just got
Botox in my third eye

I’ve disappointed more
men than Rogaine

Don’t know whether I want
to have a kid or date one

It’s a secret…

Just took on my Hebrew
drag queen name, I’m
now Yum Yum Kippur

I’m a Kabbalist but I just
sent my red string out to
get bedazzled

I like dirty talk
but must stop screaming out:
“Do my roots!” in bed

White women can combine
Xanax and Pinot Grigio better
than a commercial airline pilot.
It’s called a Xan-hatten

I’m doing a lot of yoga so I can
become as flexible as my morals

Welcome to Toronto: 
SARS-free since 2003,
smoke-free since 2006 and
Stanley Cup-free since 1967

It’s always 1986 on my head